Interview With A Non-Attender

Part of the complete Reunion experience is understanding the motivations of all our 1962 colleagues. Not just the super-hot babes and ultra-successful studs that showed up at the reunion, but also the less fortunate ones who don’t have elegant beach front homes and private yacht clubs and Noble Prizes for peace, physics, and ad jingles.

Looked at objectively, it’s pretty clear that a vast majority of graduates chose not to attend.

Being both curious and under-occupied I decided to do some investigative reporting and find out why it was that so many of our colleagues chose to stay away.

This lead me to a modest little two family house in Valley Stream which one of our classmates currently calls home. I promised I would interview him anonymously, So in the interview I call him “Anonymous.” This is not his real name.

Me: So, you didn’t make it to the reunion.

Anonymous: No.

Me: How come?

Anonymous: Well, I had just eaten lunch and my mother said I couldn’t go to a reunion til 30 minutes after I ate or I might get a cramp. Then later there was a really good Seinfeld re-run on. You know the one where he’s making out with the girl during Schindler’s List? That was a good one.

Me: So you didn’t go?

Anonymous: No.

Me: Are you sorry you didn’t go?

Anonymous: Did they have pizza?

Me: No.

Anonymous: Then I’m ok with not going. It’s no biggie.

Me: What are your best memories of Far Rock High?

Anonymous: Well, I remember one time Shelly Sheraton dropped her protractor and she bent down and I could see down her shirt. That was pretty cool. Also, I used to like it in hygiene when Mr. Barry talked about masturbating. That was funny.

Me:  Yeah, um.. did you play on any teams?

Anonymous: Well, I tried out for the fencing team but I didn’t like it ‘cause there were too many Jewish kids.

Me: You didn’t like the Jewish kids?

Anonymous: No, I liked them, I just didn’t think Jewish kids should be fencing. It seemed wrong. Robin Hood and his Merry Men should be fencing, not Jews.

Me: Is there anything you think you may have missed at the reunion?

Anonymous: Well, I was kinda hoping someone would explain how to use those slide ruler things, but, you know, it’s not really a biggie. Also, I left some, um, magazines in my locker that weren’t really mine, I was holding them for Larry Winkler, but I was thinking maybe they would still be there and I could go get them. I mean, you know, for Larry.

Me: Do you think you’ll go to the next reunion?

Anonymous: Depends. When is it?

Me: I don’t know.

Anonymous: I hope it’s on a Tuesday cause there’s nothing good on. Just that stupid “Two Broke Girls.” Who wants to watch that? If it’s a Tuesday and they have pizza I think I’ll go. Where is it?

Me: I don’t know that either. I don’t think there’s a plan yet. It may not be for another 10 years or something.

Anonymous:: Well, I'll tell you one thing. They better not have it in Oceanside because the last time I went there I got a ticket.

Me: Okay, I’ll tell them not to have it in Oceanside.

Anonymous: Good. Do you think Shelly will be there?

Me: I really don’t know.

Anonymous: How about this shirt, I mean if I clean it. Does it look good? Do you think Shelly would like it? I mean if I lost a few pounds?

Me: I think she’d really like it.

Anonymous: Yeah, yeah, me, too. I’ve been saving this one.