Our Last Day In Rome

The ancient Appian Way (via Appia) built 372 BC.

With Our Wonderful Guide Eric

Lunch overlooking beautiful Lake Albano from a restaurant near the Pope's summer residence (didn't invite us in. Dick.)

Piazza Della Rotundo from our balcony tonight

What can I say? It probably cost a fortune.

The Pantheon as seen from our favorite cafe.

What I Learned In Rome

One of the amazing things about travel is that it opens your mind to so many things you never knew or experienced.

Having visited many of the world's most famous antiquities, I learned a lot of things I never knew about ancient Rome and its amazing people. Here are just a few:

• Every Sunday afternoon, Pope Urban VIII and Galileo would go out for Chinese. 

• All the skulls in the catacombs are from people who were once alive!  

• The modern Papal Apartments have surround-sound.

• Many Roman scholars believe Michelangelo invented chocolate milk.

• Cardinals are not allowed to live blog NFL games, but bishops are. Figure that one out!

• The Vatican dry cleaning bill is over $1 million a year, and that doesn't even include the drapes.

• When Emperor Constantine issued his proclamation legalizing Christianity, he simultaneously issued a proclamation outlawing handball.

• In ancient Rome, the concepts of "reality tv" and "gay pride" did not exist. 

• The pagans had hundreds of unreliable gods. We only have one.

• One week after Pope Stephen II named Charlemagne the first Holy Roman Emperor, the two men, playing in a 3-on-3 game, invented the give-and-go. It would take over three centuries for the Phoenicians to introduce the pick-and-roll.

• The original Papal States included Siena, Florence, Venice, and parts of modern-day Michigan.

Benedict XVI: "I Love Working With People"

Just got back from the Vatican. Had a nice talk with the Pope. A VERY cool guy. Here’s a recap:

• Likes to be called: Ben; Benny.

• Doesn’t like to be called: Your Total Popeness; Ratzo

• Best thing about being Pope: "I love working with people"

• Worst thing: Writing annual reviews of the cardinals.

• Favorite singer: Wilson Pickett

• Favorite band: Abba

• If he wasn't Pope: "I don't know, maybe dentist or copywriter."

• Wishes he had more time for: Working out

• Best subject in high school: French

• Worst subject: Typing

• Favorite TV show: Antiques Roadshow

• Favorite movie: Anything with Jonah Hill

• Likes to: Slow dance

• Pet peeve: Vatican internet connection “incredibly slow.” 

Random Roman Thoughts

Two girls on the Hispanic Steps

• In Rome there is no distinction between a sidewalk and a road.

• Couldn't afford the Sistine Chapel. Went to the Fifteen. Ba-da-boom.

• Q: How can you tell when a Roman is trying to rip you off?

A: He's talking.

• Still waiting for a slice of pizza as good as Joe's on 6th and Bleecker. 

Same girls in front of a building

•  In Rome, the new shit is from the Renaissance.

• Can't sleep, but can nap like crazy 

• Went to a necropolis (that means cemetery, Lenny) under St. Peter's dating from 100 AD in which they think St. Pete himself may be buried. Down side: No Wi-Fi.

• The locations change, the gags stay the same. 

• Saw this sign today: "Best Rome souvenirs. Hand made in India."

When In Rome

Maria and Lucy standing on exact spot where Julius Caesar was killed.

Very happy with the way this sculpture of me came out.

A few doors down from our hotel is the former headquarters of the Inquisition. Great vibe.

Interview With A Non-Attender

Part of the complete Reunion experience is understanding the motivations of all our 1962 colleagues. Not just the super-hot babes and ultra-successful studs that showed up at the reunion, but also the less fortunate ones who don’t have elegant beach front homes and private yacht clubs and Noble Prizes for peace, physics, and ad jingles.

Looked at objectively, it’s pretty clear that a vast majority of graduates chose not to attend.

Being both curious and under-occupied I decided to do some investigative reporting and find out why it was that so many of our colleagues chose to stay away.

This lead me to a modest little two family house in Valley Stream which one of our classmates currently calls home. I promised I would interview him anonymously, So in the interview I call him “Anonymous.” This is not his real name.

Me: So, you didn’t make it to the reunion.

Anonymous: No.

Me: How come?

Anonymous: Well, I had just eaten lunch and my mother said I couldn’t go to a reunion til 30 minutes after I ate or I might get a cramp. Then later there was a really good Seinfeld re-run on. You know the one where he’s making out with the girl during Schindler’s List? That was a good one.

Me: So you didn’t go?

Anonymous: No.

Me: Are you sorry you didn’t go?

Anonymous: Did they have pizza?

Me: No.

Anonymous: Then I’m ok with not going. It’s no biggie.

Me: What are your best memories of Far Rock High?

Anonymous: Well, I remember one time Shelly Sheraton dropped her protractor and she bent down and I could see down her shirt. That was pretty cool. Also, I used to like it in hygiene when Mr. Barry talked about masturbating. That was funny.

Me:  Yeah, um.. did you play on any teams?

Anonymous: Well, I tried out for the fencing team but I didn’t like it ‘cause there were too many Jewish kids.

Me: You didn’t like the Jewish kids?

Anonymous: No, I liked them, I just didn’t think Jewish kids should be fencing. It seemed wrong. Robin Hood and his Merry Men should be fencing, not Jews.

Me: Is there anything you think you may have missed at the reunion?

Anonymous: Well, I was kinda hoping someone would explain how to use those slide ruler things, but, you know, it’s not really a biggie. Also, I left some, um, magazines in my locker that weren’t really mine, I was holding them for Larry Winkler, but I was thinking maybe they would still be there and I could go get them. I mean, you know, for Larry.

Me: Do you think you’ll go to the next reunion?

Anonymous: Depends. When is it?

Me: I don’t know.

Anonymous: I hope it’s on a Tuesday cause there’s nothing good on. Just that stupid “Two Broke Girls.” Who wants to watch that? If it’s a Tuesday and they have pizza I think I’ll go. Where is it?

Me: I don’t know that either. I don’t think there’s a plan yet. It may not be for another 10 years or something.

Anonymous:: Well, I'll tell you one thing. They better not have it in Oceanside because the last time I went there I got a ticket.

Me: Okay, I’ll tell them not to have it in Oceanside.

Anonymous: Good. Do you think Shelly will be there?

Me: I really don’t know.

Anonymous: How about this shirt, I mean if I clean it. Does it look good? Do you think Shelly would like it? I mean if I lost a few pounds?

Me: I think she’d really like it.

Anonymous: Yeah, yeah, me, too. I’ve been saving this one.

Hurricane Sandy Disrupts Goat Cheese Deliveries

Last night we had a lovely dinner at Otto, near Washington Square. In attendance were my wife and I, Lucy and her friend Petey, my nephew Theo and his friend Marly, my niece Aya, and my sister Joanne.

We spent 2 1/2 wonderful hours together and not a single mention was made of the fucking election.

So glad I will be out of the country by the time the votes are counted.

Here's the thing -- this country is a big hit because of the terrific script, not the crappy actors. Everyone needs to calm down.

I think the people who "revere" politicians are the same ones who think movie stars are "geniuses."

Anyway, have had a wonderful stay in NYC so far. The apartment we rented is lovely and is beautifully located. True, I will have to work another 5 years...

While the outer areas seem to be still suffering, Manhattan couldn't be more normal. Only problem we have run into is that the restaurant last night didn't have goat cheese for the goat cheese pizza. In any family but mine, this would have been met with a shoulder shrug.

This afternoon we leave for Rome. Understand they have some nice art, interesting ruins, and good food. We'll see.

Ciao, baby.